God gave me the courage to show you: you are not alone
During one of our MAGiS experiences, we were told to think of a character, and then move according to how we feel that character would be like. Sub-conciously, I found myself as a fairy. A powerful fairy that could rule a kingdom. I commanded all my workers to build a strong defense over the castle.
Then what struck me was when this question was asked: How could your friends help you?
I then realize that the kingdom is my heart. The workers are my actions. I was building a defense to prevent others from hurting me. But because of this defense, I had also blocked out people who wants to help me. I have blocked out God from my life. Its like, i only open the door for him to come in when I needed his help, but I never respond when he was knocking on my door. I thought I was strong enough to handle my own life and how i want to lead it. Happiness to me was like a form of salary, I felt like I have to work for it.
When I do things to hurt myself, I forgot God is in me, that my body is a temple of God. Happiness to God was a kind of gift. He gives it to us without any conditions. How much do we deserve this gift anyway? Thing is, he has sent friends to help me away from pain, but I’ve blocked them out too.
My defense is still up I guess. It had grown too strong to completely tear down within 20 days spent with God and his people in Spain, but trust me, I had gotten my work started. And by writing this post and actually posting it on my blog, I personally feel that it’s a step taken. Waddaya fink?
Honestly, the saddest part about finding yourself is losing you altogether. And it doesn’t matter if it affects me or not, it breaks my heart seeing what you’ve become. They’re like drugs, they get you high and they kill you slowly inside you don’t even know it. What really matters is is that what you really want ultimately?
While my neighbor is permanently pregnant, I'm permanently sleepy.
It was nice to see everyone open up their hearts to allow God back into their lives through MAGiS. For me it’s still like a chunk of dried gravy clump up in your throat. I don’t know, and I cannot remember parts of my life that still hurts so badly. A major part of me don’t want to think about it and share anything.
;but all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight,
They’re burning the roads that lead us to light
They’re blinding our hearts with their shining lights
They’re closing our caskets so cold and tight
But we’re dying to live.
“There’s things I know I should have mentioned sooner but I didn’t know how I’m sorry I lost you I never thought that this could come between us I know it’s water and bridges now but what’s the sense of carrying around this weight these words are tearing me apart. That’s enough for the back to break that’s an awful lot to take but I’ve been paying for it since I drove my girl away. That the sign of a solemn man I’ll make the best of the best I can I’ll be better for it if I ever get my chance”—Dashboard confessionals - Water and Bridges - Alter the Ending
..isn’t necessary, but it’s inevitable. people come, people go. what matters most is how we deal with changes. how do we take chances out of these changes to make our lives worthy?
perspectives are the easiest to change to the heart of weakness. all it needs is someone to tell you something else and you’ll start leaning towards those thoughts. with changing perspectives come change of tolerance. some people gain, some loss. nothing is really good. or bad, in the matter of fact.
but of course, you’ve got all the choices in your hands to respond to these changes crashing into your life. you can choose to run away as well. close some doors build some walls. build some strength (regain some mana) before you break away and fight again. or never. or some don’t even have to rest.
yesterday’s a joke. fuck tomorrow. live for today.
I just got back from Spain not too long ago, and I’m missing it already. Not that I’ll trade my comfy bed & my dog for it, but oh, how I long to be there once again. Just by looking at the simplest things like the metal bars at the airport forming handrails to the indescribable sky (ok, indescribable is kinda like a description, but meh.) Thinking back on the 20 days spent with the most awesome people I’ve met and rushing non-stop for various events running concurrently with La Jornada Mundial de la Juventud, I feel that my life back in Singapore had definitely slowed down at least a little. Maybe more than just a little.
If I were to rank the things I miss about Spain in order, Loyola would definitely be awarded champion. Loyola (Bilbao) is the home to St Ignatius of Loyola, who was the founder of Jesuits (Society of Jesus), so there is a basilica of him there. Kinda like a castle thingy, where he was said to, in short story, had decided that he wanted to follow Jesus & his ways. Anyway, the place was like a castle, where St Ignatius kinda like invited all the kids (ie: us) from all over the world to stay in. There were about 3000 people there I think. The Singaporeans were rather lucky to get the first level dining rooms to sleep in. We don’t have to climb the hefty stairs after a long tired day. We were also very fortunate to find some good shower rooms instead of the temporary ones that were filthy and lacked privacy. Also, because we were on relatively higher grounds, the weather was excellent. It was rather cooling at night, close to being cold. the sun shone during the day, but it wasn’t scorching, and unlike Singapore, the humidity level was at it low. We had the best of both worlds. Everyone there was just as curious as us as to where each other came from, and how it’s like where the other side of the Earth is. Everyone felt like family to me. The place was just filled with joy. Laughter was common, but there were also tears. Masses were epic, adoration was delicate, events were perfect. I mean, how often do you see 150 priests celebrating Mass together? Oh, did i mention that the theme hymn was excellent too? con cristo en el corazon del mundo, con cristo en el corazon de Dios! That was our theme for Mag+s. With Christ at the heart of the world. There was kinda like a mass dance for the chorus from the audience, as well as a ballet for the Spanish stanza, and a modern dance for the English stanza. I thought the dance by the Kenyan guys (the modern dance stanza) was truly the coolest thing I’ve seen. I’d post a video if I can find one!
The second thing I really miss about Spain would be the miscellaneous lifestyle I’ve experienced. Things like the weather, Siestas (the napping hour), small trips to the supermarket, unleashed dogs, water fountains and clean public toilets. These are the things that makes me wanna actually live there. Particularly siesta, because it made me realize that we Singaporeans, or rather Asians in general, work -really- hard that we often forget our Me Time. Time that we have is generally dedicated to work. Anything that isn’t work is secondary. In Europe, people are brought up to work smart instead of hard. Well, I’m not saying that Singaporeans aren’t smart, just that we are brought up to work smart AND hard, which is kinda like squeezing the best out of ourselves, neglecting the fact that the lack of Me Time would contribute to a significant decrease in both efforts to be smart and hardworking. Locals were really nice to us. People tell me that it’s just because of the WYD event, but for now, I would choose to believe that they’re really nice to me. I mean, why would they be nice to me for the WYD? I’m not the Pope, neither am I a Sister. I’m just a regular Catholic youth who happen to be at the event, yet they were so patient in trying to give me instructions despite the rowdy crowd. My favorite memory was when we had lunch at Vips one day. The sandwich I’ve ordered had mayonnaise in it, which I couldn’t take. I tried to ask the lady for a replacement with one that does not have, but the lady couldn’t understand me. The guy next in line that wasn’t using the JMJ food voucher helped me with the translation, and the lady at the counter was nice enough to replace one for me! I mean, how sweet is that, replacing something that is clearly my mistake! I’ll never forget that level of generosity!
The second thing I miss (yes it’s a tie for 2nd place!) would be the Mag+s experience. Basically, after being in Loyola, we were all sent out to different parts of Spain to experience different things. Mine was at Valladolid (pronounce: baya-do-leh-th) learning to pray with corporate body movements. I wasn’t too enthusiastic before the program. I mean, my idea of body movements was some exortic dance to pray to God (read: shaman). I wished I was in another group, like monastic camp or pilgrimage. How wrong was I! It was probably the best catholic experience I’ve ever gone through since I was baptized 4 years ago. I think the Mag+s week deserve a post on it’s own, which I would write about it maybe tomorrow.
Before I end this post, I want to add on one important category, that is the company. My Singapore Mag+s group, my Irish/Spanish experience groups, our coordinators and the random people I met and took photos with during WYD. All the cheers we had in over crowded trains, the gift exchanges, the battle for space during the Vigil and shopkeepers and public transport operators. Being in Spain will never be the same without this amount of people, which makes the 20 days spent that the most unique and awesome experience ever! Also my unending attempts to communicate in Spanish and failing at it, thank you those who laughed at and with me and attempt to correct me. ESTA ES, LA JUVENTUD DE PAPA. <3
thanks so much for the reply! i would love to see what you made, could you post a picture?
i crochet a bit, but i dont know how to knit. the bracelets im actually making are just a simple single crochet chain, haha.
alrighty! i’ll just send a couple of emails then i’ll take a photo of it!